My Antitheft Car

I have always wanted a bright pink car. Why would I want such a car, you ask? Well, studies show it is a color of car that almost never gets stolen. I would never have to worry about car thieves. I used to pine for a pink car, until I realized that as it stands my car is already one of the best antitheft cars around!

Let me start by telling you that my car is now old enough to drive. At 16, it still goes into the shop and get the clean bill of health every time. My car is a Corolla. Corollas are the ultimate antitheft vehicles, especially when they’re 16 years old. The secret to a Corolla’s antitheft technology is the ad campaign to convince people dumb enough to be car thieves that it is not a car worth having. This campaign is so pervasive it is even received a spot on the Daily Show where Trevor Noah did his part to protect Corollas from stupid crooks, making a joke that he had bought one specifically so that it would be featured on a show that is about modifying boring cars to make them awesome. Then when he was not selected for the show he was upset because, listen closely car thieves, Corollas are bad cars. They are not worth stealing.

If a thief does not listen to Trevor Noah and tries to steal my car, the first thing that thief will have to do is figure out how to get into it. You see, the driver side door of my car has a special type of handle that, at first blush, appears to be broken.

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The sort of person who might steal a car would look at this and think “oh my goodness, how would anyone get into this car!?” I have a very secret way of opening this door which allows my car to be accessible only by me. If you do manage to get into my car, thieves, you will have to figure out how to get out again. Check out this indoor handle! Imagine being in a closed car and having to use this door handle to get out! It puts a smile on my face to think of you dumb thieves getting your way into my car and then just fumbling with these special seemingly-broken inside handles to let yourselves out until the police arrive and take you away. Don’t try it! Go steal someone else’s car!

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I think that the antitheft capabilities of my car have never been so strong as the three or four days after someone threw up in it. Not thinking about the antitheft potential, I had asked him to open the window and throw up outside of it, but he didn’t respond. He was too busy throwing up. After driving home I realized what a boon this had been. Just to show how antitheft my car had become, I left it in the parking lot with all the windows open for three days. No theft. I wish I could have left it that way, but my doctor wouldn’t let me.

If anyone tries to get into my trunk, they won’t be able to pick the lock. There is no lever on the inside to open it, so the lock is the only way in and it can’t be picked. How do I know? This lock is so good at avoiding being picked that I occasionally have trouble picking it with my key! Now my key is bent from my repeated attempts to pick my lock with it. I can only imagine what would happen to a lock pick!

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Nowadays some cars have fancy alarms and stuff. My car doesn’t need any of those things. It is naturally a theft deterrent. I still might get it painted pink though.

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One thought on “My Antitheft Car”

  1. I love that car!
    When I bought it, about a decade ago, I took it to the shop for a checkup. I asked why it shook so much when I drove it at high speed. The mechanic said: “There’s nothing wrong with it, It’s a bottom feeder, but there’s nothing wrong with it.”
    Dad

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