People are spying on me and reporting on my actions to the Internet. The code name they have for me is “Millenials.” No sooner had I posted a blog post about my engagement lug nut than The Independent wrote “Diamonds aren’t forever: Millenials turn their backs on unethical and expensive gems.”
When I ordered another bulk purchase of Dr. Bronner’s liquid soap, CBS News complained of my intent to kill bar soap, and then the New York Post came to my defense, saying “it’s fun to read the rambling Dr. Bronner’s label in the shower.”
I made a kale salad for my fiance, and pretty soon I was reading in Forbes, “Healthy food makes millennials happy. They push to eat healthier, more eco-friendly foods.”
When I shopped around and got a refurbished laptop, Forbes was in on that, too. This time they even followed my dad. “One thing that makes millennials like their parents is that almost 80% are influenced by price. Even as much as they are looking for other values from their products like authenticity, local sourcing, ethical production and a great shopping experience, nothing beats a discount no matter how old you are.” It’s true, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m almost 80% influenced by price in many of my purchases.
A reporter from the Atlantic expected to see me at Earth Fare, where he was going to write about how millenials are driving demand through the roof for soymilk and moldy grapes. Unfortunately for him, I had recently decided I was tired of picking through their terrible produce and never arrived. So, the headline read, “Why Do Millennials Hate Groceries?” The reporter’s harebrained theory that I was eating exclusively at restaurants wasn’t entirely wrong – given that SAS’s food is terribly convenient to bring home and eat rather than cooking for myself.
It didn’t take long for the reporting to become sensationalist. I went to a democratic county meeting and the Atlantic jumped in again with the headline, “Can Millennials Save the Democratic Party?” The Washington Post was unimpressed with my activism and responded, “Don’t Count on Millennials to Save the West.”
I’m lazy, entitled, well educated, underemployed, drowning in college debt, and more willing to consider government regulation of the economy than previous generations. In any case, I need to go take a selfie and eat some avocado toast. Just remember that by 2030, I’ll be the one picking the president.